A single rose can be my garden, a single friend, my world.
- Leo Buscaglia
Sometimes when we face the truth about ourselves it can be sort of be scary. At least for me.
Last summer on a girls trip to Shipshewana, a book sort of dropped into lap. While on a search for the perfect material to do my first quilt i found a book. Funny how God works, well i guess it’s not really funny. More like eye opening.
I opened this book as soon as i got it. I may have even started reading it on the way home. I have felt for many years that God has been on a mission to seek me out through the one thing i have a passion for. The writing of one’s soul, i started writing as far back as High School. My grammar have never been that of an experienced writer, but through my thoughts over the years God has spoke volumes to me. Most times through the very words of someone else's soul searching.
So back to the book. Last week this book found me again. Thinking i had finished it and placed it on the book shelf with the many other books i have read along the way. I saw it peering out from under my bed. I told my husband after seeing it that i best reopen it. You see God has been dealing with me through that of our protocol son. He’s not really our son… he is Adam’s cousin.
Johnny was 16 when we got married and over the years he has been in and out of our home. Johnny has an addiction to heroin. Once again he has landed himself back into prison, so the story goes. He has three children by second wife and one with his first wife. On Memorial Day his second wife whom he recently divorced passed away. Leaving behind the children, of course Family is taking care of the children. My heart is just aching for the children. The two older children had been living with their mom.
As i sat down with myself and God that afternoon before finding this book. I just made a plea for the kids. My final plea that Johnny once and for all would commit to raising his children sober.
This morning as i was doing my daily reading i began this chapter on Control, as i read along i thought now did this reader know me or what. At all costs I want to control my own happiness. It turns out that the only thing i end up with is pure misery. That is sort of where i have been for the last 2 years now.
My walk with God since 1999 when i was saved by his Grace has gone like this, 10 steps forward 20 steps back. I have been in places where I have been so close to God that i could feel His breathe on my shoulder, and then i have been places like now he seems more than a thousand miles away from me. We do that to ourselves you know, i have spent more time sabotaging my own relationship with God, because i can not give up control.
You see God has to have all the control because he see’s the road ahead, why do we make it so hard on ourselves?
I would say for the last 2 years my anger has gotten the best of my relationship with God, and most of my dear friends as well. My anger towards Karen’s disease, my relationship with Sharon, the man you took advantage of my 10 year old daughter in while she was in a hospital, angry at our finances. I am just so angry anymore. Is that where it starts to turn around though? When we first admit the things that we are really angry about, is that where we fill the world lift from our shoulders. Then at that time can we begin to live the way we truly are happy being submissive to God?
As 40 becomes even closer i feel the overwhelming desire for change. Though as the change begins i feel a sense of real fear. Maybe because the change is what i really need, God has been pulling me back to where i love to be, but my desire to control my own path always takes over.
As i looked back on the chapter the women who wrote this particular message, her name was Angie.
As we find contentment through Christ this passage sought me out….
Romans 5:1-2 1Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. (NKJV)
