I Thirst !

What do we thirst for… I guess we all thirst for different things as i really mediated on those two words I thought what do i really Thirst for.

The desire for change has been so overwhelming this last month or so, i am certain that is what is most important to me these days. But is it really about change? Maybe i am just getting tired. Tired of the same old things in my life, my children are getting older. Life is changing many of the changes i wish would not even come, most of the changes could not get here any quicker. Like my husband’s career change, hey times are bad their is no longer a demand for truck drivers. He has gone back to school, but times are rough. Change is happening whether i want it to or not.

This week has been that of a rather difficult one, but also one of changes. With out getting into great detail. Let’s just say that life has went off course. To our plane but as the week went on it was very apparent that it was right on course for God. Changes have taken place that I can not even believe yet. I have spoken to my sister Karen every day since Sunday, and even spent three hours with her on Monday. My mother is by now being able to see the weight of the world lift from her weary shoulders. I hope she is also able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

You know we go on about our lives, we work hard within our own bubble. Diligently we work away. Forgetting to stop every once in awhile to peek outside, maybe there is someone just outside who may need a hand. I am very guilty of doing that.

I want to share something with my sister… why not just pick up the phone? Well i feel this overwhelming desire to share it here. I believe that because we all need to hear it loud an clear. As i read this morning something jumped off the pages at me. this is what came to mind, these very words spoke to me.

Just as life turns the corner and it changes or it takes a direction we could not expect. We become shell shocked how could this happen, why did God allow this to take place. Why are we here. We know it’s for the best….but deep down we doubt the process. Inevitably we get on our knees and do what we have been taught. We pray we ask for guidance, we cry ask why and what is to come. then we get back on our knees again…and repeat the process until God shows us his perfect plan. Sometimes we goes years through the process and some times it only takes that of a few weeks. Here is what we forget in our bought of humility.

Max Lucado said it well in his book “ No wonder they call him Savior”  Chapter 7 section 3 ”Just as his divinity is becoming unapproachable, just when his holiness is becoming untouchable just when his perfection becomes inimitable, the phone rings and a voice whisper’s” He was human. Don’t forget. He had flesh.”

At the very right time we are reminded that the one we pray to, weep to was human once he knows our pain, he has been there. He has been where we are. It gives us hope.

Faith of a Child

Faith: Belief and trust in and loyalty to God. (Webster’s definition)

Even Webster understand the true definition of Faith.

Faith to me is walking out onto the water in the midst of a storm arms stretched wide as waves and winds try to knock me over. Even force you below the surface of the choppy water. Because of that Faith in Christ and strength in our relationship the storm calms around us. It’s not always that easy, many times my faith is nothing more than my own doubt those times i sink well below.

Faith of a child: I am reminded by that faith from this 10 yr. old girl who was in the storm of her life, she had been violated by that of someone she should have been able to trust. “A health care worker” when she finally worked up the nerve to tell someone she  realized that she had much love and support around her, was that enough? I don’t think so, i remember a conversation i had with her Grandma whom she trusted most to talk to. I want you to know she never spoke to anyone about that day except the police man, her therapist, and her Grandma, even to this day.

The little girl went to her Grandma and asked “What does it mean for Jesus to meet you in the valley?” that little girl no doubt had been talking to one more person, Jesus. Her mother never spoke to her about the valley,  no doubt she had been in many times before. Jesus talked to her about that valley, that little girls valley. She had no fear because she had faith that Jesus was there with her in that valley.

To me that is Faith I think as life goes on we get older we make that same Faith to difficult we want to add our own strings and stipulations, but scripture tells us God does not change. He is the same today as he was yesterday.

Like Peter when he stepped off that boat,  he was not afraid he knew he wasn’t going to sink straight to the bottom. We did not have to be there to see it for ourselves we just know it.

I bet God sit’s up there and shakes his head at us for not having more Faith than we do when the storm picks up a little. If you are like me i don’t just throw in the towel i throw it with with words of anger and surrender. To the point that it takes me a few years to get back to where i was just before the storm began.

Let’s look at the story about Peter a little further. He got out on that water, storm winds blowing around him, i bet the waves were even crashing around him. They had to be because the closer he got to Jesus the more the fear crept in until the fear turned to doubt . He began to sink. At the very second of desperation Jesus reached in and pulled him up. Just as He has saved me in that very fashion many times.

The 10yr. old little girl with Faith that can move mountains she is growing up, still fearing God but gaining faith like that of an adult.

Finding truth out about ourselves

A single rose can be my garden, a single friend, my world.

                                                                          - Leo Buscaglia

Sometimes when we face the truth about ourselves it can be sort of be scary. At least for me.

Last summer on a girls trip to Shipshewana, a book sort of dropped into lap. While on a search for the perfect material to do my first quilt i found a book. Funny how God works, well i guess it’s not really funny. More like eye opening.

I opened this book as soon as i got it. I may have even started reading it on the way home. I have felt for many years that God has been on a mission to seek me out through the one thing i have a passion for. The writing of one’s soul, i started writing as far back as High School. My grammar have never been that of an experienced writer, but through my thoughts over the years God has spoke volumes to me. Most times through the very words of someone else's soul searching.

So back to the book. Last week this book found me again. Thinking i had finished it and placed it on the book shelf with the many other books i have read along the way. I saw it peering out from under my bed. I told my husband after seeing it that i best reopen it. You see God has been dealing with me through that of our protocol son. He’s not really our son… he is Adam’s cousin.

Johnny was 16 when we got married and over the years he has been in and out of our home. Johnny has an addiction to heroin. Once again he has landed himself back into prison, so the story goes. He has three children by second wife and one with his first wife. On Memorial Day his second wife whom he recently divorced passed away. Leaving behind the children, of course Family is taking care of the children. My heart is just aching for the children. The two older children had been living with their mom.

As i sat down with myself and God that afternoon before finding this book. I just made a plea for the kids. My final plea that Johnny once and for all would commit to raising his children sober.

This morning as i was doing my daily reading i began this chapter on Control, as i read along i thought now did this reader know me or what. At all costs I want to control my own happiness. It turns out that the only thing i end up with is pure misery. That is sort of where i have been for the last 2 years now.

My walk with God since 1999 when i was saved by his Grace has gone like this, 10 steps forward 20 steps back. I have been in places where I have been so close to God that i could feel His breathe on my shoulder, and then i have been places like now he seems more than a thousand miles away from me. We do that to ourselves you know, i have spent more time sabotaging my own relationship with God, because i can not give up control.

You see God has to have all the control because he see’s the road ahead, why do we make it so hard on ourselves?

I would say for the last 2 years my anger has gotten the best of my relationship with God, and most of my dear friends as well. My anger towards Karen’s disease, my relationship with Sharon, the man you took advantage of my 10 year old daughter in  while she was in a hospital, angry at our finances. I am just so angry anymore. Is that where it starts to turn around though? When we first admit the things that we are really angry about, is that where we fill the world lift from our shoulders. Then at that time can we begin to live the way we truly are happy being submissive to God?

As 40 becomes even closer i feel the overwhelming desire for change. Though as the change begins i feel a sense of real fear. Maybe because the change is what i really need, God has been pulling me back to where i love to be, but my desire to control my own path always takes over.

As i looked back on the chapter the women who wrote this particular message, her name was Angie.

As we find contentment through Christ this passage sought me out….

Romans 5:1-2 ¹Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. (NKJV)

Emanate the Sweetness of Grace

How does that work to emanate something? Webster says this about emanating: to come out from a source<a sweet scent of emanating from the blossoms> so when we replace blossoms with Grace and take away the word the, what do we have?

To immerse ourselves  deep into Grace that the sweet scent is all people around us can smell and see. Grace comes from favor, kindness and friendship. But it has to be real it’s easy to be friends to people within your circle, your church family and most colleagues. But…what about those people you would not normally approach, or that one person you have tried your best to distance your self from, for one reason or another. Maybe because they don’t believe what you believe, or they seem a little stand offish. Sometimes it’s worth reaching out to people not like you, we tend to find things out about ourselves we did not know. Or we learn something about someone we may not have found out.

Grace has been real hard for me lately and i am sure that grace is not one of the sweet scents that  emanates me. By no means.

When i think of grace i am reminded of Christ that day he was crucified, even in the depth of his despair looking on towards hell, he ask for our forgiveness and saved one of the men sent to die with him. I have faced some pretty hellish things in my life but i can say that i have never looked hell in the face. Christ did on that dreary  day Satan thought he won.

So starting today i am only successful by how much love pours out of me. My mistakes are only a reflection of forgiveness and love set out that day by the actions of Christ. i will except that i am not perfect and i am still being molded by the very hands of God.

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

                                                            - Anna Quindlen