WOW....Not much more to say then that!

So life has been pretty busy here on the Gillum home front, it seems like the more we sink into the teenage years the more I would be totaly ok with just escaping.... then I bounce back into reality  with the image of my house falling apart and my children going through withdrawl because they have no one to scream at.  :)
Well that's my thoughts this month on raising teenagers, I am sure it will change next month possibly even tomorrow, I'll get back with you on that.
The one good thing is I have managed to complete a baby quilt and a King Size quilt since November, now that's funny who needs medication when you know how to Quilt. Two of my dearest friends we just started working on the Farmer's Wife Quilt, I am just amazed at the story behind it to only have lived back then. I often find myself drifting back wondering if raising daughter's was more simple or did they deal with pretty much the same issues just on a different level. I hope I meet one of the ladies when I get to Heaven that will be a question I will ask. So i just completed block 12 and I have to add I am doing 3 of each block, because while I am making a King Size Quilt for my own bed Iam doing a Wall Hanging for our Athletic Boosters to Raffle next year and well the third Block you never know when something might come up that I will want to donate a quilt to or maybe someone will want to buy it. I think I have too much time on my hands, and while I am thinking about it my thoughts on my word for the year Compassion well let's just say it's still a work in progress and I am so thankful for Christ and all his love, otherwise I would be bald and possibly commited.

I will post some pictures when i am done!

Compassion

My word for the year, I think I already adnitted that I was a little hesitate after I chose this word. My first reaction was "What am I going to endoure through out eh year for God to teach me a little Compassion."

I have to say that i have been blessed and more blessed since this one little word has entered my thoughts and my different way of thinking. God has brought person after person into my life with Compassion and purpose to bless me and my family. I am just amazed at the lengths people have gone to bless me, i wonder why. Because of God and his Compassion for us he surrounds us with those who show His love and Compassion.

After a short trip with the girls to WalMart yesterday, we made a quick decision in the car to black out Facebook for the week, i have been tempted to get on a few times today, but have over came the temptation and found something else to do in it's place. Like finally completing this quilt i have been working on since November. It is long over due to be getting done. We came into the house I realized i had not checked my school email since last Thurs. i logged on and found a very short email from our building Accounts personnel, i briefly explained that someone who chose to remain unknown and felt it in their heart to pay my daughters cheer leading fees for this school year. Now if any of you have had daughters cheer in High school you know how costly it can be come, i pay mine when we get our tax return each year. i was so blessed and again reminded of Compassion.

Thank you Lord for your love and the love of your faithful servants to bless us in our time of need to lighten the load, to find Mercy and Compassion, even when we don't think we deserve either.

Just Another Tuesday

Where did Monday go? Monday's always seem to last forever, with one horrible event after the other. This morning like all mornings I woke up just wanting to spend 5 more minutes in bed. Yesterday was a rather unusual Monday with Martin Luther King Jr. Holiday, we just happened to be out of school yesterday. Making our Monday go rather fast, and less forgotten by the next morning.
For me I would have rather spent a little longer sharing my Monday, Watching the basketball game and sharing with an old friend. Time seems to go too fast anymore these days, as Adam and i laid in bed last night reflecting over the last 11 yrs. or so. I was reminded of all the changes that have taken place, how we are getting even closer to the end of a Chapter in your lives and expecting to turn the page to a new adventure much different then the last.
I guess from this time forward we will spend many of our days asking where has the time gone, children turning into adults. I am reminded of a very dear friend of mine, she would often say don't rush time it rushes enough on it's own. Enjoy the little moments and celebrate the big ones, maybe because we never know how life will turn out.
I think i will spend everyday thankful with out complaint, making even the most miserable of days the best that i can make it.

15 Things I would Want Someone To Know About Me If I Was Gone Tomorrow

1) I am a passionate Mother.
2) My youthful spirit comes from the hours A day I spend with children learning from their innocence.
3) I believe that through God all things are possible.
4) A life's journey is more than finding yourself, it's more than where you have been, it's about seeking God's gift's in you.
5) The simplest of things are the only things that matter.
6) I understand the true meaning of "By the Grace of God Go I."
7) Depression does not consume us it defines who we are.

8) I have loved deeply and lived with passion, but the greatest of all was,waking to happiness every morning.
9) I have experienced the lose of someone very close to me.
10)  The birth of my 2 amazing daughter's was not just the happiest day's of my life, it was everyday i spent watching them grow and learn.
11) I discovered that deep love comes from having to watch your children experience pain and heartache.
12) Friendship is one of the greatest gift's God gave us.
13) I loved to Quilt not because it kept me busy, but because i loved seeing the thankfulness in the faces of people I made them for.
14) God's timing is everything, it's the waiting that forces growth.
15) I hope that my life is celebrated, and not spent in sorrow.

My youngest daughter taking a sort rest from her game one evening. She is my pillar of strength at times, even though more times than many she feels defeated, I see someone so very strong and grounded. How proud we are of her.

(Re)Fresh 2011

Refresh was the topic of the day, as i sat in a room of maybe 60 women or so give or take. I thought OK God what in the world do you have me up so early on a Saturday morning for. I know for most 40 something yr. old women 10:00 am is rather late. Not for me i am very young at heart and even though i feel every bit of 40, i try to trick my body with the occasional guilty pleasures of the young, try sleeping till Noon even when i have to crawl out of bed (because my back is stiff and soar). It's really soar i tell my self not because i am a few pounds. over weight, but because my husband waits for me to fall asleep each night so he can roll over me 20 times like a steam roller. It's his way of getting back at me for the occasional nagging i do during the day or the few chores i have for him as he is walking in the door after a long day at school and work.

Anyways i sat there, excited to spend a day with a new friend and kind of nervous well because God does not get me out of bed on a Saturday unless it's something good. Well i wasn't prepared for what was about to happen and i certainly was not ready for it. The topic was "Stories Matter" the one thing i can relate to, you know i sort of sat there shaking my head sort like the old cartoons when they would get hit over the head, I thought maybe everyone at my table saw the stars over my head cause God knocked me silly. He does that at times when he can't get my attention any other way he sort of has to hit me over the head.

Over the years i have used this very spot to sit and challenge myself to pursue God a little harder, or to stop and listen.As you look back through the old posts you see they are pretty sporadic in times, cause well that's sort of how life gets to go for me. It doesn't mean that God is sporadic in my life it means more like i am sporadic in his. I think we are all a little guilty of that.

As the guest speaker began to talk, she challenged us to allow God to use us through our very own stories of our journey in life. to " Say hello and share the work of God." How he teaches me in the unexpected circumstances, pray with blind faith.

You know the one thing i have discovered most challenging in my life these days, is raising teenage girls. Sometimes i think they are raising me instead of it the other way around. I look back and remember how easy it was for me to get them to pick up their rooms. I would say " Girls let's play a game, let's see how many toys we have left on the floor by picking them up one by one and counting them as we put them in their proper place" Now i say "can i help you pick up your room," I either get the look of "stay out of my room", or "OK" and i end up picking up the room while they lay on the bed watching their favorite program. It  was so simple when they were little. Now it's been twisted and mangled by peer pressure, hormones, BOYS, emotional stress( mine & theirs) I use to enjoy being a mother to the most precious darling loving daughters....now i hide and tremble in the closet because those little darlings have turned into confusing, multiple personality young women most days i think i live with Sybil. I was reminded that the "Shadows are a part of life" those are the times when we listen , learn & keep going.

I took a separate class on journal, my passion, We were challenged this year to search a word that we want to learn more about. Something God can teach us, or maybe something we really want to focus on this year. I had many words come to mind, but a word that resonated with me the most was Compassion. Any mother of TEEN daughters needs compassion, with out compassion you spend most of your days with a soar throat from yelling all the things you need them to hear. Of which they could quite frankly give 2 craps about. Your needs and their wants do not line up any longer.

I looked up the definition and then I gulped, and got a little scared because even though this is definitely a gift i need to learn. It may become quite a challenge to teach it to me.

Compassion- A feeling of deep sympathy& sorrow, accompanied by a desire to alleviate the suffering; MERCY

Please for the 2011 yr. jot down my name and pray for me when ever I come to mind, i am just going out on a limb here i am going to need it!

Sincerely,
your compassion less (Not for long) friend
Angie

Another Year has came and went

I just can't believe that 2010 has already left us. It's just another memory stored in our file of  as time moves on. It seems to be going much faster now as the girls get older.

We have been busy as usual, with one sporting event after the other, this year i was anxious to see Basketball Season get here, and even more anxious to be getting to the end of another Season.

A recap of last year, Kiana started High School, she played Volleyball and Basketball, of course Alexis is still cheering. She is looking more toward colleges. She is finding that school is taking a little more effort on her part. Kiana is right now on the activity ladder, doing what ever she can to make her last 4 yrs. the experience she will always remember. I on the other hand continue to hold my breathe for long periods of time, in hopes that it may just make time either stop for a moment of to or just slow the process down a few months or so. I am not trying to be too picky, i will take what ever i can get.

While i have made new friends this year, I have even been blessed to have old friends come back into my life. i have also had the opportunity to grow closer yet to one of most dear friends. Life has been good.

Adam is only months away from graduating from school, He has been fortunate enough to have job offers, it's just getting better.

The best thing that happened in 2010 was we found our dream home, a rather old but gentle home, sort of like us. With more Character and passion then we have ever experienced in a home. It's good to walk through the door everyday with a sigh of finally coming home.

I guess you can say that while 2010 had many days of growth and challenges, the things i choose to let resonate with my soul are the times of growth and beginnings.

I am Welcoming 2011 with open arms, and a bit of excitement to see what it has 2011 has to offer.

Faith Like A Chid

I have often over the years heard that saying more times than i could even count. I know what it means, of course we all know what it means, but do we really know what God was trying to tell us?
I can say as often as i heard it i would stumble over the thought process of how he wanted us to experience that very phrase. " Faith Like A Child" oh their innocent they look at life through the eyes of joy, less complicated, some children see through road blocks and only what's ahead, the big picture with out worry, fear, restriction all things through God are possible.
I experienced that this week, what it means to see life through the eyes of a child, to have faith beyond anything we could ever imagine, raw, genuine faith, to climb in the lap of our Savior and say it's ok because He will take care of everything.
A student of mine, who i have known over a course of 9 yrs. now, i have literally watched her grow up. She found out she has cancer, the worst kind of cancer. Metastatic Cancer,  they gave her 3 to 4 months of life, and even if she wanted to go through Cemo, they could only say it would add 6 months. She told her step dad, who might as well be her real dad. " I am not afraid to die, what i am afraid of is living with Cancer". Let me say this child is 16yrs. old, I know adults who took the news worse.
Her parents brought her home, and she has ultimatly decided that it's up to God, no matter what it's up to God. Go ahead and grab your box of kleenex's cause when i got home i did, she doesn't want people sitting around feeling sorry for her, she doesn't want anyone crying for her. She wants everyone to remember the good times they shared with her, the sound of laughter, the memories she got to make while she was here.
My heart aches for her parents, i am a parent anytime my child gets into a little trouble my first instinct is to rush in and save them,no matter what it is. My best friend lost her 16 yr. old about 6 yrs. ago suddenly. While i have watched their pain, i have no idea what it feels like. I don't want to know what it feels like, to be honest. What's even more amazing to me is how these parents can bring their child home respect her wishes, and trust God through her faith. That is as big as the God i serve, We could learn something from her.
I just can't help but say, thank you God for blessing me with such awesome people in my life that hold me accountable to what you expect of me.

Could time just stop for a moment

So it’s pretty close to the end of the school year, that i am glad for. This year has been a rough year for me, i don’t seem to be feeling any better today then i did 8 months ago. I find myself worrying about the worst possible case, if you know what i mean? We do that we get a little sick and don’t shake it off as soon as we think we should, next thing you know you pretty much have your self with one foot in the grave.

It’s been a big year, with it’s fair share of stress. It’s no wonder I’m not feeling like myself. The girls are growing right before my eye’s; would you believe that this summer my oldest daughter will take driver’s training, she will be driving me around. Adam keeps saying think how much more easier life will be for you, i keep thinking my life is easy enough. Why do i want to add the stress of my teenage daughter out there driving around in the big bad world. Come on now how much do you think this poor lady can handle.

My youngest will officially be in High School this coming school year, right now if i could freeze time this is when i would just go ahead and get it done. they are at the perfect age. Oh yeah we don’t always get a long but that’s parenting for you. They are still little in a sense, i never thought i would handle them growing up like this.

Stayed tuned for the summer drama program.

I am so excited about me next project

A big surprise, to someone special in my life. I hope she is not checking on my blog much these days, just in case i won’t blow it by telling who this next quilt will be for. I am so excited to get it put together. I must have ran out of black fabric while i was cutting it, so this weekend i will run over to Wal-mart and pick up a yard to get it finished. i know the material there is not as good as what i can find in a quilting shop. Occasionally i don’t mind putting one together for less than $100.00. So anyways i will give you a peek at one of the blocks. Of course i will post pictures of it when i am done. For some reason black has caught my eye a lot this winter. Maybe because it has been so cold and gloomy this year.

My latest endeavor

So my latest project shortly on it’s way to Wisconsin. I sat down and counted all the quilts i have done in the last 13 months. It sort of averaged out 1 each month, it’s no wonder why every time i pull one out during a TV. show my husband sighs.

I can’t help it even right now as i am writing this, i am thinking about this quilt that i would love to have done no later than the end of March. Call me crazy, i can not believe how it has changed the way i view shapes. My love for art has evolved into this whole new world.

I can finally pick up the phone and call my mom and share with her something we both share in common. I think when the weather breaks i am going to have her teach me how to sew with a machine. It sounds so funny just saying it. We never get too old to learn something new.

So tell me what you think? 

2010 Has Finally Arrived

Here we are in the first week of a new year. I find myself looking back at the past year. Where I was, how I spent the year. I find my myself a little disappointed in me.

There is much i should have done, a lot i didn’t do. Most importantly a lot of time wasted with very little time spent with God.

As i look to the new year, i have challenged myself, to spend more time with God. Focus more on myself and those things in my life i need to change. While i work diligently on changing my life for a new day.

But that’s what growth is all about, i think? Maybe not, but who am i to sit around and ponder on all that i have missed. It would only allow myself to not experience true grace and all it’s glory, not allowing God to change my heart. Seeking his counsel and love.

Today was our first day back after Christmas break. i have to say that my 2 weeks off was rewarding and relaxing. I shared lunch with an old friend, who i am so proud of. She has showed me through her passion for life and love for God , what my own life has been missing.

Isn’t God great how he works, when we least expect it there we stand face to face with Him. We either choose to ignore the knock, or we open the door. For me in my adult life, the excitement of where this might take me is more anticipated than the trench i have managed to dig for myself. I always seem to answer the door and let Him in. I never regret doing it.

I think then when i get over the hill and God allows me to look back as to where i have been is more thrilling and rewarding then the climb itself. I am so thankful that 11 years ago i allowed Him to change my life for ever, each mountain and valley would not have been so satisfying with out him beside me.

“By the Grace of God go I.”

As i embark on yet another year, I seek to feel the very breath of God on my face. To change my life, and soften my heart. In return see the lives of those around me impacted by the change in me, that they too will seek to become more intimate with the one who loves us unconditionally.

Pslam 103: 11 For as high as the Heavens are above the earth, so great is the love who fear Him.

I Thirst !

What do we thirst for… I guess we all thirst for different things as i really mediated on those two words I thought what do i really Thirst for.

The desire for change has been so overwhelming this last month or so, i am certain that is what is most important to me these days. But is it really about change? Maybe i am just getting tired. Tired of the same old things in my life, my children are getting older. Life is changing many of the changes i wish would not even come, most of the changes could not get here any quicker. Like my husband’s career change, hey times are bad their is no longer a demand for truck drivers. He has gone back to school, but times are rough. Change is happening whether i want it to or not.

This week has been that of a rather difficult one, but also one of changes. With out getting into great detail. Let’s just say that life has went off course. To our plane but as the week went on it was very apparent that it was right on course for God. Changes have taken place that I can not even believe yet. I have spoken to my sister Karen every day since Sunday, and even spent three hours with her on Monday. My mother is by now being able to see the weight of the world lift from her weary shoulders. I hope she is also able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

You know we go on about our lives, we work hard within our own bubble. Diligently we work away. Forgetting to stop every once in awhile to peek outside, maybe there is someone just outside who may need a hand. I am very guilty of doing that.

I want to share something with my sister… why not just pick up the phone? Well i feel this overwhelming desire to share it here. I believe that because we all need to hear it loud an clear. As i read this morning something jumped off the pages at me. this is what came to mind, these very words spoke to me.

Just as life turns the corner and it changes or it takes a direction we could not expect. We become shell shocked how could this happen, why did God allow this to take place. Why are we here. We know it’s for the best….but deep down we doubt the process. Inevitably we get on our knees and do what we have been taught. We pray we ask for guidance, we cry ask why and what is to come. then we get back on our knees again…and repeat the process until God shows us his perfect plan. Sometimes we goes years through the process and some times it only takes that of a few weeks. Here is what we forget in our bought of humility.

Max Lucado said it well in his book “ No wonder they call him Savior”  Chapter 7 section 3 ”Just as his divinity is becoming unapproachable, just when his holiness is becoming untouchable just when his perfection becomes inimitable, the phone rings and a voice whisper’s” He was human. Don’t forget. He had flesh.”

At the very right time we are reminded that the one we pray to, weep to was human once he knows our pain, he has been there. He has been where we are. It gives us hope.

Faith of a Child

Faith: Belief and trust in and loyalty to God. (Webster’s definition)

Even Webster understand the true definition of Faith.

Faith to me is walking out onto the water in the midst of a storm arms stretched wide as waves and winds try to knock me over. Even force you below the surface of the choppy water. Because of that Faith in Christ and strength in our relationship the storm calms around us. It’s not always that easy, many times my faith is nothing more than my own doubt those times i sink well below.

Faith of a child: I am reminded by that faith from this 10 yr. old girl who was in the storm of her life, she had been violated by that of someone she should have been able to trust. “A health care worker” when she finally worked up the nerve to tell someone she  realized that she had much love and support around her, was that enough? I don’t think so, i remember a conversation i had with her Grandma whom she trusted most to talk to. I want you to know she never spoke to anyone about that day except the police man, her therapist, and her Grandma, even to this day.

The little girl went to her Grandma and asked “What does it mean for Jesus to meet you in the valley?” that little girl no doubt had been talking to one more person, Jesus. Her mother never spoke to her about the valley,  no doubt she had been in many times before. Jesus talked to her about that valley, that little girls valley. She had no fear because she had faith that Jesus was there with her in that valley.

To me that is Faith I think as life goes on we get older we make that same Faith to difficult we want to add our own strings and stipulations, but scripture tells us God does not change. He is the same today as he was yesterday.

Like Peter when he stepped off that boat,  he was not afraid he knew he wasn’t going to sink straight to the bottom. We did not have to be there to see it for ourselves we just know it.

I bet God sit’s up there and shakes his head at us for not having more Faith than we do when the storm picks up a little. If you are like me i don’t just throw in the towel i throw it with with words of anger and surrender. To the point that it takes me a few years to get back to where i was just before the storm began.

Let’s look at the story about Peter a little further. He got out on that water, storm winds blowing around him, i bet the waves were even crashing around him. They had to be because the closer he got to Jesus the more the fear crept in until the fear turned to doubt . He began to sink. At the very second of desperation Jesus reached in and pulled him up. Just as He has saved me in that very fashion many times.

The 10yr. old little girl with Faith that can move mountains she is growing up, still fearing God but gaining faith like that of an adult.

Finding truth out about ourselves

A single rose can be my garden, a single friend, my world.

                                                                          - Leo Buscaglia

Sometimes when we face the truth about ourselves it can be sort of be scary. At least for me.

Last summer on a girls trip to Shipshewana, a book sort of dropped into lap. While on a search for the perfect material to do my first quilt i found a book. Funny how God works, well i guess it’s not really funny. More like eye opening.

I opened this book as soon as i got it. I may have even started reading it on the way home. I have felt for many years that God has been on a mission to seek me out through the one thing i have a passion for. The writing of one’s soul, i started writing as far back as High School. My grammar have never been that of an experienced writer, but through my thoughts over the years God has spoke volumes to me. Most times through the very words of someone else's soul searching.

So back to the book. Last week this book found me again. Thinking i had finished it and placed it on the book shelf with the many other books i have read along the way. I saw it peering out from under my bed. I told my husband after seeing it that i best reopen it. You see God has been dealing with me through that of our protocol son. He’s not really our son… he is Adam’s cousin.

Johnny was 16 when we got married and over the years he has been in and out of our home. Johnny has an addiction to heroin. Once again he has landed himself back into prison, so the story goes. He has three children by second wife and one with his first wife. On Memorial Day his second wife whom he recently divorced passed away. Leaving behind the children, of course Family is taking care of the children. My heart is just aching for the children. The two older children had been living with their mom.

As i sat down with myself and God that afternoon before finding this book. I just made a plea for the kids. My final plea that Johnny once and for all would commit to raising his children sober.

This morning as i was doing my daily reading i began this chapter on Control, as i read along i thought now did this reader know me or what. At all costs I want to control my own happiness. It turns out that the only thing i end up with is pure misery. That is sort of where i have been for the last 2 years now.

My walk with God since 1999 when i was saved by his Grace has gone like this, 10 steps forward 20 steps back. I have been in places where I have been so close to God that i could feel His breathe on my shoulder, and then i have been places like now he seems more than a thousand miles away from me. We do that to ourselves you know, i have spent more time sabotaging my own relationship with God, because i can not give up control.

You see God has to have all the control because he see’s the road ahead, why do we make it so hard on ourselves?

I would say for the last 2 years my anger has gotten the best of my relationship with God, and most of my dear friends as well. My anger towards Karen’s disease, my relationship with Sharon, the man you took advantage of my 10 year old daughter in  while she was in a hospital, angry at our finances. I am just so angry anymore. Is that where it starts to turn around though? When we first admit the things that we are really angry about, is that where we fill the world lift from our shoulders. Then at that time can we begin to live the way we truly are happy being submissive to God?

As 40 becomes even closer i feel the overwhelming desire for change. Though as the change begins i feel a sense of real fear. Maybe because the change is what i really need, God has been pulling me back to where i love to be, but my desire to control my own path always takes over.

As i looked back on the chapter the women who wrote this particular message, her name was Angie.

As we find contentment through Christ this passage sought me out….

Romans 5:1-2 ¹Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. (NKJV)

Emanate the Sweetness of Grace

How does that work to emanate something? Webster says this about emanating: to come out from a source<a sweet scent of emanating from the blossoms> so when we replace blossoms with Grace and take away the word the, what do we have?

To immerse ourselves  deep into Grace that the sweet scent is all people around us can smell and see. Grace comes from favor, kindness and friendship. But it has to be real it’s easy to be friends to people within your circle, your church family and most colleagues. But…what about those people you would not normally approach, or that one person you have tried your best to distance your self from, for one reason or another. Maybe because they don’t believe what you believe, or they seem a little stand offish. Sometimes it’s worth reaching out to people not like you, we tend to find things out about ourselves we did not know. Or we learn something about someone we may not have found out.

Grace has been real hard for me lately and i am sure that grace is not one of the sweet scents that  emanates me. By no means.

When i think of grace i am reminded of Christ that day he was crucified, even in the depth of his despair looking on towards hell, he ask for our forgiveness and saved one of the men sent to die with him. I have faced some pretty hellish things in my life but i can say that i have never looked hell in the face. Christ did on that dreary  day Satan thought he won.

So starting today i am only successful by how much love pours out of me. My mistakes are only a reflection of forgiveness and love set out that day by the actions of Christ. i will except that i am not perfect and i am still being molded by the very hands of God.

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

                                                            - Anna Quindlen

What A Weary Journey

As i opened my Bible for the first time last night in a long time, it occurred to me how far behind i have gotten behind my Savior.
I woke bright and early this morning after the first snooze with a different purpose in life. One of a different Journey. Leaving behind my brokenness of several years there at my bedside where i placed it the night before.
Now humbled and feeling ashamed this Journey yet another one on God's path to restoration will be different. Not one of reaching the world through the Love of Christ and Forgiveness by God. But my own personal Journey of self worth and love.
It's about me new and all the things God must change in me, through that love will come wholeness.
So i am going to study the book of Proverbs. Get down and dirty with God. My sisters words, my how God's love and her patients has changed her love for life, even when life is hard. Through that love Christ reached out to me and showed me how far off the Journey i have come.

As i opened up Proverbs this morning Verse 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.But fools despise wisdom and discipline.

What a fool i have been.
Thank you God for even the weakest of your people are strong.

To be honest

That's sort of what being a Christian is all about. At least that is what i think hearing the truth even when it does not always sound real nice, or it's not what you want to hear.
But here is my truth sessions. I remembered the other day i had my blog floating around out there. Though most of the time i think i write just to hear myself think, but it does help to get a few things off my chest.
I haven't really thought about it much because i have been in a slump, not sure why i guess it's probably a lot of little things that have all become one great big thing. It's big because it has kept me from Pursuing Christ, the one thing this was intended to be in the first place.
Well i didn't step away completely but i step away far enough away i couldn't really hear his voice anymore.
So here i am in my heart trying to find my way back and in my mind just really resisting the pursuit.
My husband called me the other day he says go into the back room i got you something today call me when you find it. In a brown paper bag was a book. One of my Favorite Authors Max Lucado "No Wonder They Call Him Savior". Funny thing about that is i was having one of those talks with God, the ones you have but pretend you are really not having your just throwing stuff out there in hopes that maybe you listen to yourself. I was saying i think what i really need is a good book, to give me a wake up call. Well isn't that just like God to give you what you need, not what you want. Of course i have to open it. Mostly because i decided a long time ago that was the only way i really listened to what God was trying to tell me. My mom started it so i will blame her. She would read a book or hear about one she thought would give us our wake up call. She would drop it off, i would read it just out of respect. I always got something out of them.
I am sure that i will be writing more now, and even more sure God will give me a good old lesson in humility and grace, because i think those are the two things i have been laking.
Hey i am a servant of God, i am nowhere near perfect. I guess i never will be not here in this life time anyways. I will get back to you.

Fall Is Here

My how fast Spring came and went and now Fall is quickly leaving us. I opened up that back door this evening to let the dogs out and was reminded how quickly winter was approaching. I like the winter, to be honest i love all the season's.
I spent a few years during my teen years living in a climate where there was no season's, i think that is why I love them so much to this day. I am not found of bundeling up and going out into the cold winter, but i do enjoy watching the snow fall from inside a warm house.
Get ready Winter is coming!

Transparency

Transparency the definition goes something like this.... viewed by light shining through it or by projection.

The definition is taken from the word picture. If we think about it we are suppose to be just as that a picture of What God looks like, his very image should been seen through us. As the definition reads viewed by the light shining through. The light of God shining through us. I have to admit that light has not always been so bright, lately it has been pretty dime. As i have said many times i am not perfect, guess i will never be perfect either, i stumble and fall more than i stand up straight and allow the light of God to illuminate me. We may all have a story similar to the same.
I picked up this book last week called Transparent, it's about getting honest about who we are and who we want to be. The title alone spoke to me. If anyone needs to get honest about who they are it's me. I will admit it, i have fallen so far out of the grips of God that even i shock myself at times. I just keep telling myself if i could only figure out when it all went wrong where i got of the path at i can go back to that point and take up where i left off. But... it does not work like that even our very failures are a learning experience created by God, so right where i stand i reach down and pick up the cross i have been dragging behind me and start carrying it again. That's what God expects right.
One the front of this book is a hand bag like that of one i use to own. it's made of clear plastic, seeing clearly the contents that are inside the bag. We are kind of like that, even when we are trying to hide behind this image or facade people see through that. We are always up for display whether we choose to be or not. We may think we are hiding but in fact everyone especially God sees us we can not hide.
Now that my girls are both in Junior High i see how complicated things are going to get. Solving problems of disagreements between girlfriends are going to be a thing of the past, to be honest i am not ready for all the other side of life's disappointments. I can not protect them forever, no matter how hard i try. It's now when life takes the that turn the one we can't prevent it's when you grab the bar and just hold on for dear life until the ride is over. It's what scares me the most will everything i have taught them this far carry them through this difficult time? I can only hope and pray. I will let you know though how that works out for me.

I am going to pick up where i left off some months ago though, it does not matter where i have been since then it only matters where i go from here, that the light of Gods shines bright through me.

Lord... Forgive me for my sins, forgive me for dropping my cross behind me and dragging it in stead of carrying it over my shoulder all this time. I know you have never left my side i have just forgotten to look over and acknowledge you. If only you can help me remove the clutter from my life so that the your light can clearly shine through me and not bounce off all the things i have let get between you and me.